I feel like I just failed out of grad school. I had the worst quarter review presentation ever. I talked myself into doing more for this quarter, if I am to continue, even after it is done. Because I am older, I think Arnold expected more from me than the others - he told me to revise everything, he told them which project to revise. Everyone else seemed to get it was about presentation. I didn't. I just threw everything I had out there, incomplete, and talked/apologized for it lamely. If I am gonna do this, I have to get cocky and self confident. Maybe I am not cut out for this.

I am drunk. I have been up for days, I don't even know how long - 3 or 4 for sure, with 4 hours of sleep a time at max - usually 2. I think I average 4 hours of sleep for every 30-36 awake, maybe 6 hours, but broken up over 2 or 3 sleep periods. I ceased being productive some 48+ hours ago. After my lousy quarter review I had 5 quick shots of scotch with 2 beers to chase. I am ultra depressed, and wish I could be done with this. If I were willing to quit, I would be moving to a different city, taking my union test, and being a stagehand/electrician. That may still be where I end up, but I am gonna make them fail me/force me, even if it kills me. I will not quit, no matter how desperately I want to.

On to the topic at hand. I have always hated Christmas. Since I was a little boy. Not too fond of Thanksgiving either. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. and I think I know why. some of it was highlighted today.

Thanksgiving is next week. This morning big fat flakes of snow were falling. Yesterday a friend emailed me about how it was snowing and she wanted to snuggle down in front of a fire with some coco... Those traditional holiday feelings/images

The holidays are about family. About belonging, togetherness, happiness... I come from a big, traditional, christian family. I have 6 younger brothers and sisters... My parents didn't split up till I was 16. I grew up in rural southern Idaho. Every xmas was a white xmas. We had traditional christmas. I was surrounded by family, who loved me, in cozy, fireside rural settings, having a traditional family holiday - and never felt so alone and miserable. Always. Because all those things xmas was about, that family, love, beloning, togetherness... I never felt that. I never experienced it, even though I was submersed in it, surrounded by it - part of it... I never felt it. I think that is why I have hated the holidays since I was a small child...

And why I have always loved halloween... It is my kind of holiday. It is about being alone, being weird, twisted, disturbed - and hiding yourself, disguising who and what you are - usually with something stronger or scarier than anything I could ever really be... It speaks to the way I DO feel ... The way I really am.

And that is why I have always loved Halloween - and hated Christmas.

Gotta go pass out now, sleep and then see if there is anyway I can still pull this out. Anyway I can still pass shit and keep going, pushing until they force me out or I change my habits/skills and become good enough to succeed.

Maybe it is because I have never really tried anything I didn't know I could accomplish. Maybe it is because I have always been able to succeed at anything I really wanted to try... But I still feel like I can be good enough to succeed at this - that I am capable of this - I just don't know how to get it out of myself.

OK - so I have attended most of my classes now - just have welding tomorrow that I haven't attended at least once. So - the Rundown:

Mondays - The only class I have here is Lighting for Dance at 4:30-6:00 - looks OK, a little intimidating, a week of striking and resetting the space, couple weeks of actual instruction, a couple of weeks of instruction and watching senior recital dance pieces and choosing a couple to light. A couple of weeks of rehearsal attendance and hang/focus of specials. Then run our shows for 3 performances - we will call or operate the board for our own performances. The rest of the day monday, like 10:00 - 4:00 I will be working in the electrics shop or the various spaces.

Tuesdays - A rough day. Sceneography from 10-2. This class will be tough. We will need to design sets for 3 shows in the 10 weeks. This weekend we need to read 3 versions of Antigone (Sophocles, Anouilh, and one called "The Antigone Project" ) and decide which we want to design. Then we have to turn in visual research, a portrait gallery of the characters, sketches, floor plans, and an 8th inch rough model next week, it gets chewed through, then we revise and turn in a quarter inch model and finalized plans the next week. Then same process for the Mikado, then same process for a Shakespeare still to be decided. Then I have a Intro to Grad Studies from 2-3. Seems easy. There will be a performance project of some sort, still to be decided by us, but mostly looks like info about how to survive grad school/bitch session.

Wednesday - Lighting from 9-12. Tough reading load at first, 3 plays before next Wed. - but then we will pick one and over the course of the quarter do a hand drafted light plot and associated paperwork. Not too tough. But I hope to learn some real ways to do some of the paperwork - Magic sheets, track sheets... Stuff I don't really do. Then lunch and a few hours in the electrics shop; followed by Lighting Dance again 4:30 - 6.

Thursday - Welding from 11-1, don't really know what it will consist of. Then Grad Studies again from 1-3. Couple hours of Shop work, then a lab for Lighting 5-6.

Friday - No classes. Just more work in the electrics shop - and production work of course.

So, the quarter looks OK. I will be one of 2 assistant ME's for Grapes of Wrath... But potentially not as busy as I am used to. Course, they want way more research than I usually do also, and I am a little freaked out about that. And of course, I need to read 6 plays this weekend. And we have an emergency project building and welding new steel squares to place in the grid of the Forum Theater - need to manufacture and install about 120 of them this week... Actually need 50 more than that, but we bought all the steel the supplier had, and 120 will get us through the next show... So I will start cutting some steel this afternoon.

OK, back to reading Antigone, and then some shopping for supplies, a quick stop in the cad lab to print up some stuff for class.

I'm in school. Weird.

So, not much time here... 4 Blackbelt tests on Sat/Sun - very tiring. Very sore. One of my first students, Erik, tested and passed - I have promoted my first black belt. I have sat on many panels, but this is my student - he started with me, and both Master Mc Cabe and Master Kauffroath were impressed with him - they told me he was probably the best of the 4 candidates...

And then - before their belts were awarded... Sensei promoted me to 5th Dan, our Master rank. I don't really know what to make of it. I am honored, but I don't feel it is appropriate. I feel I have 10 years of hard training before I could be considered a Master.

It is very hard for me to deal with emotionally. This rank has been my goal in the Martial Arts - I have had a plan to get there (though I wasn't sure I would make it), but I just never dreamed it would be in less than 10 more years. Maybe 15. I don't really feel like I deserve it. Don't really want to tell people, or change my rank in the places it is posted.

I just don't feel worthy.

So, surfing peoples entries from Ohio University, ran across their sorting hat thing. Thought I would give it a try. Didn't turn out like I thought. I was surprised.




be sorted @ nimbo.net


Course, once you read the description, you know it is me... lol...

Basically, you're brave, daring, chivalrous, and pretty much.. an all around good person. Of course, some see you as a goodie-two-shoes. But hey, it's true! You're really good at winning, and normally always come out as the hero. Everybody likes you.. except, maybe, the Slytherins. You're too perfect. No, really.. You're too perfect. It's annoying to watch you win, repeatedly. Oh well. Be proud anyway.

So, Erik has been mentioning camping.  If we go, it would be Mon 18 - Wed 20.  Just after the blackbelt tests.  Don't know who would go - Erik, Christy and the Baby...  Rob is a no-go.  Maybe Clint?  Apparently Randy and Denise (with their 2 kids) were talking about it, but we can't check with them cause they are on a cruise.  Russ and Jessica perhaps, but don't know that Erik wants to invite them.  Doubt the Noobs from last year want to go - Mike and Scoop are split, Krista is gone...  Guess I could invite them tho.  Steph says she wants to go...  (that is a wierd situation, steph...  maybe I will write on that at some point).  My sister Becca and her boyfriend Sean may be interested...  Could invite TAO people I suppose...

The issue this time is mostly whether or not I should go.  I am really not prepared to leave for Ohio - and that is the week I am not working, so it would be the time to get all my shit in order to head out.  So on the one hand, I really want to go camping.  On the other, it just doesn't seem like it would be a good idea.  If I decide to go, I think I could have fun just with the Osborne's and Steph - shit, just a couple folks so i ain't drinking alone in the woods...

But might be screwing myself.  Just don't know.

So - I had this moment this morning where everything felt unreal...  Like I am dreaming, and all these changes aren't really about to happen...  Will I really only be at work for 1 more week?  Am I really not going to be working at SMU anymore?  AM I REALLY DRIVING AWAY AND MOVING TO OHIO IN 2 1/2 WEEKS?!?!?!?!  Just doesn't seem possible.  My life has been pretty static and the same for a long time now...  The changes aren't bad... I am excited about most of them...  But wow...  It just doesn't feel real.

I had thought I would be back for each break - but am less sure now...  It sounds like the University likes to farm us out to professional theaters as interns over summer and winter breaks...  I hope I can come back at least for this first break - Sort of a way to make the change a little more gradual - you know, being gone 10 or 11 weeks and then coming back...  Plus, it gives me a way to get used to changing and moving.  The idea that I will be spending the summer in some unknown city working in a theater is cool, but also a little scary.  On the other hand, if I really want to be a professional lighting designer, I guess I better get used to it.  Almost all the professional designers I know (and honestly, that isn't many 6 maybe, travel city to city to do shows...  That is just the way it works.  So, I guess it is a good thing to get used to.

Freaky though.. Freaky.

Damn - I gotta call my mechanic about getting that damn trailer hitch installed - otherwise I will be taking even less than I planned on.

 So, I hit post, and notice that on the confirmation page there is a blue "Getting Started"  which says -  "You've only made 1 friend."  What are you trying to do LJ?  Give me a complex?  (ok, the emphasis was mine...  but still)

I'm not using LJ as a networking site - who needs friends here?  (no offense to my ONE friend - lol - wonder how scoop feels bout that?)

Look!  A Non-Depressed entry for once!  Woot! 

So - I am just killing time at work.  Yes, I should be working.  I have a huge desk manual I am supposed to write.  A few weeks ago I made a list of duties that should be explained, and just re-opened it...  Shit - I am not going to be able to write all that shit.  I don't even care to.  I plan to take a day off in the next 2 weeks (Friday is the current plan, and I hope I get a local 15 call that day - I can use the money) - and my last offical day is the 18th, but I plan to call in sick that day (what will they do, fire me?) - so that leaves 7 days, not counting today...  its only 10 am...  So, 7 days and 6 hours. - just don't think I will get it done.  Oh well.  No worries from me.

It just occurred to me how much journaling is like talking to yourself...  Which I do a fair bit of anyway - this just gets it out better...  I think I am less likely to go in circles cause I can write it and move on.  Sorta weird though.  But, so am I.  

I got a credit card yesterday (well, not the card, but my credit union approved me for credit) - but it was such a disappointment - I wanted several grand cause I need to buy a macbook - but since I have no credit - haven't had a credit card in well over a decade, and everything is in maggie's name, lease, phone, power, etc...  I am what they call a "Thin File".  Not bad credit, just nothing to base a decision on.  So I got $500 fucking dollars.  What am I gonna do with that, go on a couple dates?  Pain in my ass.  Well, I just have to use some it, pay most of it off quick (apparently, paying shit off right away does NOT help your credit, they want to see you hold a balance and make on-time payments - also, they don't like you to max out...  That also looks bad, like you need it too much) and build it up.  Doesn't help me right now, but as life (and school) goes on, I will likely need the credit - so better start building it up now.  I will need to travel for design work, even during school some.

Gotta call my mechanic and see about getting my a tow kit installed - and maybe getting my front struts replaced, if I can afford both.  Shit - I still need money to drive to Ohio...  This is gonna be 3 years of struggling to make ends meet, I can see it now.  God I can't wait to get going, get back to school - to make Theater my life...

OK - I feel like when I started this, I had something else I was planning to gab about... But, it must not have been important, cause I sure don't remember it now...  Guess I better get back to writing about procedures for administering the Centrally Maintained Copier Program in the Headquarters Building...  Damn my job is boring - yet another reason to be excited about leaving.

I don't know why I only feel the need to journal when I am depressed...  but looking back over my entries - boy I seem pitiful.  Good thing no one reads this shit.

But I think I am past the worst right now....  (here's to positive thinking anyway). So - some current thoughts, etc, and then moving on to something a little different.

Mag and I have been apart for several months now, but we still seem able to fight...  She doesn't think of it as fighting I guess...  I know she is stressed, anxious...  not sure how she will make it without me...  feeling like I am heading toward a bright future and she is heading nowhere....  I cant' help feeling like that is her choice though.  I am not blaming her - the last few years we were together, anything I suggested was poison to her,,, fuck, I don't know, and suddenly I don't want to write about it either - I am afraid it will make things worse.

Here is a bad sign/bad thought that I don't think I would share with anyone...  sometimes it feels like alcohol is my only friend...  I don't really mean that either.  Just wish I had friends...  but you know...  I am not even sure what that means.  What differentiates a friend from an acquiantence?  I have lots of the latter anyway.

I am fucking 36 years old...  why do I feel 16 so often?  I cannot imagine my dad going through the angsty dramatic shit my mind goes through at my age...  Lets see - he was a doctor, married, had 4 or 5 kids (I don't know how old my siblings are)...  When I try to compare my life to his I feel like a failure - so enough of that...  But still - I don't see him struggling emotionally like I do.  Maybe cause having kids forces you to be adult, and I don't, so I'm not?

How am I gonna get in the proper mind set for workout tonight?  HOw am I gonna make it through the next few years?  Where am I going, and why am I doomed to be alone?

Shit...  and when I started this entry, I thought I might write about my thoughts on Agamemnon which I just finished re-reading....  but don't feel really in the mood for it now.  lots to do, not much time to do it.

Hmmm.  Think I may sneak out of work, go to the credit union and apply for a credit card.  My first in over a decade...  Well over a decade - but I need a macbook for school, and won't be able to pay cash...

mag wants me to file the paperwork to make this official.  I don't really want to.  something else in my life that makes me feel like a failure...  I have been doing some casual dating since we split - and here is the thing...  even though it is nice hanging out with women who seem to like me, I can tell they aren't partner material - our therapist has said in the past we seem perfect for each other - and maybe so - but it still didn't work...  which is why I will likely die alone...

my aikido teacher was talking about how mind and body are intertwined - and while it can be hard to change your mind or mood, if you change your body, the mind will follow...  Which I do believe, but it is hard.  Serendipitoulsy, the last few messages Scoop has sent me have ended "remember to smile" which ties in with what West Sensei says...  I have been trying, but it doesn't feel like a smile.

I feel like a feral animal showing his teeth.

It is amazing how fast my mood can crash - and for no real reason...  Over the last 2 hours I have gone from feeling fine after a great weekend to wanting to fall off the face of the earth...  Want to delete my online profiles, erase my email contact lists, toss my cell phone in the sound...  Drive to where i don't know anyone and be as alone as I feel.

spent the last hour trying to think who I could talk to...  But I don't really know anyone who will really care.  thought about blogging on myspace - but don't really want people to read this - but had to at least put it down...  so - lj - where I rarely go, and don't think anyone looks, seems like the place.

Anyone I can think of to tell...  well, I don't think I could stand a sympathetic smile - an unmeant "sorry" or "hope you feel better"...

I want to be held.  I want to be wanted.  I want to be happy.  in lieu of that - I want to be not.